[deleted]

@Moonspeaker, why?

The rhyme and rhythmic delivery of what she said is most of the fun.

I know you are the expert, but I liked my translation. ; ;

Vid-szhite said:

@Moonspeaker, why?

The rhyme and rhythmic delivery of what she said is most of the fun.

I know you are the expert, but I liked my translation. ; ;

The rhythm was fine, though it felt a little casual/colloquial for Futo, who tends to have more formal, archaic speech patterns. I mainly changed it to remove the translation note, which really wasn't necessary.

Moonspeaker said:

The rhythm was fine, though it felt a little casual/colloquial for Futo, who tends to have more formal, archaic speech patterns. I mainly changed it to remove the translation note, which really wasn't necessary.

While that may be true, "なんじゃなんじゃこれは" is a colloquial statement, as it breaks the standard grammar structure and uses じゃ for the plain copula, when that's normally reserved for abbreviations, informal speech, and conjugation, making this something of a charisma-breaking "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK" moment.

I feel like if that gets ignored because Futo isn't normally like that, it's missing the point. Moreover, Futo is a huge ham, and saying something big and out-of-nowhere for emphasis is certainly fitting for her.

Vid-szhite said:

While that may be true, "なんじゃなんじゃこれは" is a colloquial statement, as it breaks the standard grammar structure and uses じゃ for the plain copula, when that's normally reserved for abbreviations, informal speech, and conjugation, making this something of a charisma-breaking "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK" moment.

I feel like if that gets ignored because Futo isn't normally like that, it's missing the point. Moreover, Futo is a huge ham, and saying something big and out-of-nowhere for emphasis is certainly fitting for her.

It doesn't strike me as so colloquial as to break Futo's usual patterns (panicked, yes, but not necessarily outright swearing or completely dropping her usual tone), but my expertise on her dialog only goes so far. I'll buy the huge ham element; Futo definitely takes a heaping helping of scenery on her plate when she isn't throwing said plate at the player character.

I'll revise it mostly to what you had, but I still say the TN wasn't needed.

Moonspeaker said:

It doesn't strike me as so colloquial as to break Futo's usual patterns (panicked, yes, but not necessarily outright swearing or completely dropping her usual tone), but my expertise on her dialog only goes so far. I'll buy the huge ham element; Futo definitely takes a heaping helping of scenery on her plate when she isn't throwing said plate at the player character.

Oh, I'm not saying she's saying those words, just that her reaction is certainly meant to seem explosive.

I appreciate everything you've done. :) Even if you hadn't changed anything, I appreciate the dialog.

The TN was mostly there so that people who can't read Japanese could "hear" the words, since it was a lot of fun to read, and I don't think a translation could do it justice. It was unnecessary though.